resemblance to each other, particularly on
a dark rainy night when the observer is
suffering from the DTs. This find could
throw a whole new light on B.C.'s early
history."

Music instructor Kerry Burke, however,
although no expert inthis field and really
having nothing to do with this story at
all, thinks this theory unlikely in the
extreme. "Like, really, it's a lot of
baloney,'' said Burke. ''l mean, even if
they got here, why would these guys get
off their boat and go thrashing uphill]
through the bush for a mile or so and then
bury all their loot in a hole? | mean,
that's just silly."

Campbell's associate, History instructor
Marlene Legates reluctantly agreed with
this analysis. "'l think Robert's been
spending too much time on that book of his
and has booze on the brain. But don't
quote me,'' she said.

In the meantime Archaeology students from
SFU are investigating this exciting find
near the Instant Teller machine, but the
excitement caused by the discovery is
hampering their efforts towork. Hundreds
of students and North Shore News reporters
are crowding around the site to gawk, and
the campus has been inundated with local
residents who, armed with pickaxes, spades,
trowells, garden hoes, kitchen implements,
and anything else they can lay their hands
on, are digging holes everywhere. So far
all they've found are some strays from the
kennel, the Student Union's missing beer
bottles, and lots of rocks, but the fervor
shows no signs of abating. Attempts by the
Maintenance Department to control the mob
by shouting into walkie talkies and
putting in more speed bumps have proved
ineffective, prompting Biology instructor
Keith Wade to issue a public appeal for
people not to trample the rhododendrons.

The College is also involved in legal
complications resulting from the find. The
Landscape student, [Irwin Schwartz, has
hired a lawyer to prove to the courts that
"Finders are keepers'', but everyone else
is after the treasure too. The District of
North Vancouver wants to tax the find, as
does the Federal Government, Capilano
College is trying to claim it and use the
income to alleviate funding problems, and
the Social Credit government has declared
that the find rightfully belongs to all
good British Columbians. ''We can use it
for all sorts of worthwhile purposes,"

commented Education Minister Jack Heinrich.
"Why | know of at least three banks that

in terrible financial difficulties
right now."

are

Business Management instructor Doug Loblaw
is backing up the College's stnad on this
issue, and he and his students have come
up with a plan to put the treasure on
display in the student store and charge
visitors $5 admission. ''This could be a
great course project for the students,'"!
said Loblaw enthusiastically. ''We'll tie
in the Marketing, Administrative and
Accounting students, and get the Computer
students to run projections or whatever it
is that they do. We figure we'll get a
good slice of the tourist trade, and the
Retail students can do a booming business
in souvenirs and other items that visitors
might need, like, for instance, mineral
water.!"'

The College Board and Administration has
had little to say about the find, other
than ''we're discussing it with our
lawyers,'' but Paul Gallagher, during an
interview in the cafeteria line-up, was
spurred to incautious remarks by the
frustration of discovering that the south
cafe had run out of tomato and lettuce
sandwiches because of the crowds of
treasure hunters. "It looks like Dresden
in 1945 out there,'' he snarled. ''l can't
get to VCC too soon."

Happy April Fool's Day!